I'm just going to start here with monday night.
After working all day and now am exhausted and nauseous, my day was not complete and I had a huge list of things I needed to get accomplished before bed. From not feeling well, our credit card getting hacked, exhaustion, and lets just say husbands in general, I was beyond done! I could not handle anymore. This sickness this time around is killing me. And when I don't feel well and have a huge list that needs accomplished, I sometimes lose it. So monday night I lost it.
I'm still coming to terms with this pregnancy. I understand some people are like "what is your deal? Your pregnant. Like so what. Be happy". I do take that into consideration when I'm complaining. I know there are people out there that struggle with getting pregnant and would love to be me and be having their second child. I just didn't think this was for me. I never really dreamed that when I would grow up I would want to be a mom and do this and that with my kids. I was just like ummm, yeah, I think I would like a kid or so 1 day? Well that day came and we had Asher. I thought he was enough and that my heart could not love the same to another tiny human. Along with tons of other scary thoughts about being pregnant again, delivery, raising 2 children, and the list goes on. Well this sickness really gets to me and can make me extremely angry!
Adam and I went to bed monday night without saying a word. I sat in Asher's room while he slept just looking at how perfect he is. How I never want him to think I don't love him. How selfish I am for not embracing this pregnancy. How I let this sickness take over my thought process.
Tuesday morning. Ugh mornings. I was able to function which was a plus because we had our first ultrasound to get to. I was still in a negative mood.
Once at the appointment they were having computer trouble and the wait was ridiculous! I wanted to puke. I'm now hungry and miserable. After being in the waiting room for 45mins we finally get to go back and get on with our appointment. I forgot how many times people congratulate you when your pregnant. I honestly felt like Miranda from Sex and the City faking my ultrasound. Everyone saying "congratulations! how exciting!" And I'm putting on my fake smile responding with "Yeah were pretty excited! Not planned but can't wait!" When I really was trying not to puke all over the person standing in front of me. (Remind you Adam and I havent said all but 3 words to each other since bedtime & this morning. Which doesn't help my mood.) Once seeing the baby though my mood lightened a little. It made me scared to have 2 kids, but I started accepting the idea and since we did find out the gender, I did start thinking of ideas in my head.
After my appointment I went home to my sleeping little boy. I tried to nap, but literally as I closed my eyes and started to drift off I heard Asher over the monitor. No nap for mommy. Yesterday was so beautiful out and I knew we could all use some fresh air. Including the dog. So that is was we did.
As I raked the leaves for Asher to jump into and heard his little giggles and that huge smile on his face I felt better. I am not the best mom, but I am not the worst mom. I can do this if I put my mind to it and don't let it wonder. Being outside in the warmth was what we all needed. Axel enjoyed playing ball. While Asher played in the leaves and his rock box with his trucks. And I just took a moment to catch my breath and take it all in. My mood did a 360 once we came back inside and thats what I needed. I needed to hit the reset button!
Momma of 2